


gone but not forgotten

by idontgiveamcfuck



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, endgame spoilers, watched it last night and my heart is broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-02-07 09:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18618193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontgiveamcfuck/pseuds/idontgiveamcfuck
Summary: Maria knew something was wrong. From the moment she had opened her eyes, surprisingly it wasn’t the apocalyptic type surroundings that caused her gut feeling. She had a sense of dread building in her stomach. It was like a heavyweight that threatened to pull her down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so the obvious warning is endgame spoilers. I'm so heartbroken over Natasha but who knows maybe they'll bring her back you never know. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Maria knew something was wrong. From the moment she had opened her eyes, surprisingly it wasn’t the apocalyptic type surroundings that caused her gut feeling. She had a sense of dread building in her stomach. It was like a heavyweight that threatened to pull her down.  

She was pulled from her thoughts by a familiar hand on her shoulder. 

“They did it,” Maria wasn’t sure whether Fury was talking to her or just voicing his thoughts out loud.  

“Did what, Sir?” Her memory was a little fuzzy. Nick and her had been in New York, Nick had had to swerve the car.  _HYDRA? No something else._ They’d gone to get out the car but her hand had passed through the door.  _Not passed through she’d lost her hand._ _Dust it had become dust._  

 Maria watched as a couple clung onto each other in the middle of the road.  _Natasha._  

“They won,” Maria ignored Fury in favour of grabbing her phone. She faltered when her lock screen flashed.  

_25_ _th_ _April 2023_  

_5 years. It had been 5 years._ Maria scrambled to open her phone, swiping through all the missed calls. She had  567 missed phone calls and  8 voicemails left from Natasha. _Oh, thank god Natasha was_ _okay._ Maria quickly called Natasha and waited as it rang. 

_Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Natasha Roman...Clint this is stupid everyone knows how to leave a voicemail._ There was a brief pause before a heavy sigh.  _You’ve reached my voicemail; you know what to do._  

Maria rang a few more times, and each time it went straight to voicemail. The pit in Maria's stomach deepened. Her finger hovered over the redial button but before she could call again, her phone reminded her of her new 8 voicemails. She quickly dialled 121 and cradled the phone against her ear. 

**_8 new messages._   **

**_Message one: 26_ _th_ _April 2018 16:04_   **

_Maria, I just need you to pick up the phone I've been ringing and it's going to voicemail. You’re probably busy with Nick dealing with this,_ _I just need to know you’re okay._  

**_Message Two: 26_ _th_ _April 2018 16:36_   **

_Hill, don’t let Fury run you into the ground_ _._ There was a brief pause. _I know you’re probably okay but when you’ve got a spare second please ring me back._  

**_Message 3: 26_ _th_ _April 2018 17:56_   **

_Maria, please let me know you’re okay, Clint's gone AWOL and Laura and the kids. Oh god, the kids._ Natasha’s voice cracked.  

**_Message 4: 27t_ _h_ _April 2018 23:19_   **

_Mia, I can’t...please tell me you’re okay, please._ Natasha pleaded as she sobbed. Maria's heart broke, as she gripped the phone tighter using it the ground her. 

**_Message 5: 30_ _th_ _October 2018 11:46_   **

_It’s been 6 months since the dusting. That’s what people are calling it. I’m just ringing to hear your voice; Steve said the first thing you forget is the sound of someone’s voice._ There was a small pause as Natasha seemed to choose her next words.  _We’re trying to figure out a way to bring you back, all of you. We’ve got a new addition to our team, Carol. You’d have..._ _you’ll like her._ Maria smiled sadly. 

**_Message 6: 6_ _th_ _March 2019 02:03_   **

_I can’t do this anymore. Maybe I should just join you? What would be so bad about that?_ Natasha slurred down the phone, Maria didn’t even want to know how much alcohol she had drunk.  

**_Message 7: 7t_ _h_ _March_ _2019_ _22:06_   **

_Steve and I had a big fight. He said I needed to start moving on and he thought that listening to your voicemail wasn’t good for me. I know he’s right but I’m scared one day I’ll wake up and I won’t remember you. This will probably be my last voicemail for a while. I promise I won’t forget you; I don’t think I could even if I tried._ Natasha sounded tired; all Maria could do was hold her phone a little tighter. 

**_Message 8:_ _25t_ _h_ _April 20_ _14_ _10:08_ **

_Hi Mia, haven’t done this in a while. I’m hoping this sends I don’t know if voicemail works after time travel. Oh yeah, time travel, we got made really small and fired through something called the quantum realm, I wasn’t really listening. I’m also on another planet, it's actually quite beautiful if someone told me when I first joined SHIELD that I'd be here._ There was a pause.  _Clint and I are here to collect the soul stone, there’s just a small blip in the plan._ Natasha let out a shaky breath.  _I don’t know if I’ll be coming home after this._ Maria shook her head. Natasha always came back. Always.  _If this whole thing does work out;_ _I’m going to ask you to do one thing. Please, can you grieve me and move on._ Maria blinked back tears.  _You deserve to be happy Mia and I don’t want you to feel guilty for moving on. Clint's going to be hardheaded on this though but we both know I can take him in a fight. Please make sure he’s okay none of this was his fault. It's my decision so if you want to be angry with anyone_ _be angry with me. I love you so much,_ _I’ve come so far since Budapest, thank you for being my family._  

**_No new messages._   **

Maria's arm dropped to her side lifelessly. She could hear Fury calling her name but it sounded far away. There was still a chance. Maybe whatever plan Nat had come up with hadn’t worked. Maybe Clint had won whatever fight Natasha was talking about. She didn’t realize she calling Clint till the phone was connecting.  

“Please...” Maria trailed off. 

“I’m so sorry,” Clint's voice shook. 

She didn’t register the pain as her knees hit the floor. There was a wail from somewhere but Maria soon realized it was coming from her. She was here and Natasha was gone. She felt as though someone had snapped their fingers again. She felt as though was just those dust particles being blown away by the wind again.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria finds out how Natasha died and comes to a realisation regarding her death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so thank you so much for the comments and kudos. This is gonna be another angsty chapter but I think I might write another chapter after this where Natasha comes back. Let me know what you guys want. Anyway, hope you enjoy xxx

Maria held her head high as she walked into the kitchen of the Starks family home. Sat around the table were the 4 of the remaining original Avengers. The group sat solemnly, the two empty chairs highlighting what exactly had been lost.

“Barton, can I have a word?” Maria gestured towards the door.

Clint’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion but he pushed himself away from the table and walked towards her without comment. 

“I’ll catch up with you guys later.” He called back to the group.

As Maria turned, she accidentally bumped into someone. Maria smiled apologetically at the woman with blonde, short hair, quickly sidestepping around her. A hand caught her elbow before she could leave. Maria turned to see it was the same woman. The woman seemed oddly familiar but Maria couldn’t place her. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Maria's breath caught in her throat. Somehow, she knew that the woman meant Natasha. Natasha and her had never hidden their relationship, many people just hadn’t picked up on it. “She never stopped loving you, even in her darkest moments. She asked me to keep this safe for you.”

The woman pulled a ring from her pocket. It was a simple silver band. Maria took the ring with shaking hands.  _ It couldn’t be, could it? _   She’d assumed it had fallen off in New York when the snap had happened and that someone had taken it. She rolled it over so that she could see the inscription.  _ Всегда _ . Russian for always. 

Maria gave the woman a teary-eyed smile, unable to summon the words to express her gratitude. The woman simply nodded before continuing her journey into the house. 

“Who was that?” Clint asked once they were outside.

It was then that Maria realized that she hadn't got the woman's name, but she must’ve been close enough with Natasha that she’d been entrusted with such an important item. “A friend.” 

They came to a stop at the edge of the water. Blossom danced across the lake, carried by a gentle breeze. A silence fell over the two as they watched the winds intricate dance. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Clint eventually broke the silence.

“Can you tell me how?”  Maria had tried being kept in the dark. Hoping that  only  knowing Natasha had sacrificed herself of her own feel-will would be enough. That’d lasted  7  days.  7  days of her brain constantly  coming up with questions she was unable to answer. Questions which refused to let her sleep at night.

“Are you sure?” Clint gave her a worried look.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t” Maria didn’t want Clint to have to relive what had happened, so she wouldn’t press for more than he was willing to give.

Clint nodded  slowly;  he turned his gaze back to the petals dancing in the wind.

“We were given the job of collecting the Soul Stone, simple in and out, the biggest issue was meant to be having sand in our suits during the trip back. The number of times Nat threatened to throw me off the mountain we were climbing for making Star Wars jokes.” He chuckled humorlessly. "We were greeted by a cloaked figure, real asshole he was. He started this mantra of a soul for a soul. We must’ve sat there for hours before we even spoke to each other about it. When we finally did, I thought we’d come to the agreement that I’d do it. Maria I’ve done some horrible things these past 5 years, if anyone deserved to go it was me.” Clint blinked back tears. Maria lay a comforting hand on his back but kept quiet. She knew it was best to let him ramble and get it out of his system. “She kept on going on about Laura and the kids, but I’d spent the last few hours doing exactly what she had, saying goodbye to our loved ones. I was ready to go Maria. I tried to trick her, but she could always see through my bull. We fought. I don’t think I’ve fought harder in my life. I don’t really know how she did it. One  second  I was falling, then we both were, then she hooked her grapple onto  me.  Maria, I held on, I would’ve held on forever.” Clint broke down into sobs. Maria held him tight just as he had done a few days ago. He buried his head into her shoulder as sobs shook his body. She rubbed soothing circles into his back. “I held so tight Mia, I tried so hard’’ He sobbed into her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Maria repeated over and over. She could feel her own tears spilling over onto her cheeks. 

Eventually, his sobs died down and he lifted his face from her neck. He rubbed his face with the end of his top, drying the tears. He gave a small smile.

“That’s what she said you know.” His voice was still hoarse from crying. He leaned forward catching Marias tears will his hand. 

“Huh?” Maria frowned.

“The last thing she said was it's okay,” Maria contemplated it for a second. Contrary to popular belief Natasha had always been an optimist. Whether it came to making it out of a mission where the odds were stacked against her or whether the corner shop would have her favourite ice cream flavour in stock. She always held out hope. Natasha had joked that it was Steve rubbing off on her. “Do you think she knows?”

Maria knew she wouldn’t be okay for a long time. She didn’t know if the pain in her heart would ever stop, but as she watched the blossom dance, she realized it reminded her of Natasha.  The way it  moved  gracefully as if it was weightless.  She waited for the ache in her chest to come at the thought , however, when it came it was dulled .

“She knows, and she was right, we’re going to be okay.” Maria held Clint's hand as they both watched the blossom.

A chirp next to her caught her attention. There was a robin with a fiery red underbelly less than two feet away from her. It dropped the flower it had held in its beak.  _ A Poppy. For a fallen soldier _ . Maria gently picked up the Poppy before looking back at the bird. It chirped again before taking flight.

The soul stone hadn’t left Natasha at the bottom of that cliff, it had scattered her soul across the universe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Sorry if the Carol bit seemed a bit random I just feel like they must've been good friends if they spent 5 years talking to each other. You probably figured it out already but if not Natasha gave Carol the ring just before she left to go back in time, Carol hasn't had that ring in her pocket for 5 years. Thanks for reading xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral Natasha deserved and a cheeky surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, cause of all the lovely people in the comments I wrote another chapter which will be the last one. Hope you enjoy xxx

Maria let out a shaky breath as Pepper rose from the water's edge. Pepper joined her side as they watched the wreath, Tony's wreath, drift away carried by a gentle current. A silence descended over the group as they paid their respects. 

Pepper placed a hand on Maria's arm. An indication. She had said her respects to the man she loved, it was Maria's turn to say hers to the woman she loved. Maria took a few nervous steps forward, before turning to face the group, just as Pepper had done for Tony a few minutes before. 

Maria fiddled nervously with the edge of the wreath she held in her hands. Maria wished that Natasha could see how many people were in attendance. She wasn’t sure if Natasha ever realized how many people truly cared for her. Steve gave her a nod of encouragement. She could do this. 

“Natasha Romanov was many things to many people. To most, she was an Avenger. To some, she was the Black Widow. To a few she was Natasha. To me, she was Nat, my wife.” There were no gasps of shock, not that Maria had been expecting them. Her and Natasha had been dating for so long the other Avengers would joke that the only reason they wouldn’t hold a marriage ceremony was because they were already secretly married. “Natasha spent her life trying to pay back a debt that only she still believed she owed.” Maria had had many arguments over this particular topic. She could only hope that Natasha felt that her debt was paid so that she could rest peacefully. “Natasha wasn’t a God. She didn’t have a suit of armour. Yet she never backed down from a fight, no matter the odds because that’s the kind of woman she was. She was brave, selfless, caring and occasionally a bit of an idiot,” There was a chuckle from the group. They all had their own individual stories where Natasha had attempted to do something stupid, usually resulting in some form of minor injury. “whether she was putting her life on the line to save a rookie just because he had two daughters or whether she was getting a spider out the bath because ‘spiders have souls too Maria’.” There was a snort from Clint. He was probably remembering when Natasha had almost murdered him when he tried to step on a spider. “She used to say До свадьбы заживет. It’s a Russian phrase which meant, ‘you’ll live. It’ll be okay’.” Maria's voice caught in her throat. “That’s what Nat always made sure of before doing anything. If she considered you family, she would make sure that no one could touch you. Most people thought she spun her webs to trap her targets, that she weaved her web to eliminate her enemies. What they didn’t realize that she used her web to protect her family, to keep anyone from hurting them. One day Natasha told me something that I didn’t remember until the past few days.” It had been at 2 am a few days ago when she’d been on the edge of passing out from exhaustion. She’d cried herself to sleep that night. “She said that no one ever truly dies, that even after death we are kept alive in the memories of those lives, we touched.” Maria felt a few tears slip from her eyes. “So, we must honour her memory, we remember her as the selfless, caring, brave woman she was. Будет и на нашей улице праздник.” The sun will shine on us again. 

Maria turned around slowly and crouched at the edge of the water. There were ripples as she gently placed the wreath on to the water. 

Unlike Tony’s wreath which had his original arc reactor, all of Natasha's stuff had been lost when Thanos blew up the Avengers facility. There had been a scramble as they all tried to find her things in the rubble but the only thing, they had found were her broken dog tags from when she defected and joined SHIELD. In the end, they decided to use the dog tags as well as a drawing Nathaniel had done of ‘Auntie Nat's family’. 

Maria choked back a sob as the wreath drifted away, in the same direction as Tony's had. At least they have each other. 

“Goodbye, my little spider,” Maria whispered. Maria heard the people behind her begin to disperse but she kept her gaze on the wreath as it got further and further away. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Steve. He had a small smile on his face. “I think I’m going to stay here a little longer.” 

Steve nodded his head in understanding. 

“I’m going to return the stones; I should be back soon though so if you would like some company...” Steve trailed off. 

“That would be nice, thank you, Steve.” Maria smiled at the soldier before turning back to the lake. 

Steves footsteps faded away as she scanned the lake desperately trying to catch sight of the wreath. Maria's throat tightened when she realized that it had drifted too far, that she wouldn’t be able to see it again. Just like Natasha. Maria choked back a sob. 

There would be no more lazy mornings, no more midnight trips for ice cream, no more new experiences with Natasha, only memories of everything. It felt like the funeral had a finality to it Maria hadn’t realized would happen. After this everyone would move on, rationally Maria knew no one would forget Natasha but the cynical voice in her head reminded her of how easily people were written over and forgotten in history. Tony Stark would be remembered. She wasn’t sure the world would remember Natasha. 

Maria played with the ring that hung around her neck. Всегда. Maria smiled slightly at the memory. It had been the morning before a long undercover mission Natasha was going on. They had spent hours just lying in bed, holding each other. Before she left Maria had asked Natasha to come back to her, to which Natasha had spoken a single word in Russian, one of the only languages at the time Maria hadn’t been fluent in. She had immediately gone to look up what it meant and from then on it became their thing. Almost like a pre-mission ritual, both scared that if they didn’t say it, they might not see each other again. Maria gave a dry chuckle. The only time she hadn’t said it, Natasha hadn’t come back. 

Maria was pulled out of her thoughts by the ringing of her phone. She quickly pulled it from her pocket and looked at the caller ID. Sam. Probably calling her to tell her that Steve had returned all the stones. She pressed the end call button. Her phone continued to ring and there were a few pings as she received a couple of texts. Maria quickly turned her phone to silent and shoved it back in her pocket without looking. She didn’t want to hear how they’d returned the stones. She’d been holding out hope since she came back that somehow Natasha would come back because of the stones. If they could wipe out and bring back half the universe, why wouldn’t they be able to bring back one person? Maria wiped her face roughly with her sleeve. 

Maria heard footsteps approach from behind. She sighed quietly. It must be Steve; she wasn’t in the mood to be around anyone but she could make an acceptation for him. Natasha and him had always had a close friendship, she could only imagine how heavily they leant on each other during the 5 years. 

“What's a pretty girl like you doing out here all alone?” 

Maria's heart stopped. She wasn’t sure she could handle hallucinations. Feeling like there was a hole in her chest she could do, but hearing Natasha's voice would send her over the edge. She turned around slowly. 

In front of her stood her wife still dressed in her battle gear. Her hair was longer, held back by a braid but a few hairs had escaped and famed her face. Her natural red hair had replaced the platinum blonde except for the end where it still clung on. There was a small cut on her forehead but other than that she looked no worse for wear. She looked tired as she offered a meek smile. 

“Nat?” Maria held out a shaking arm, worried that if she didn’t grab ahold Natasha might just disappear. 

“It’s me, Mia.” Natasha smiled and closed the distance between them, crushing their bodies together. 

The kiss was short but sweet. Maria could taste the salt from her tears. When they pulled away, Maria rested her forehead against Natasha's. This shouldn't be possible. Natasha was dead, yet here she was no worse for wear. 

“How?” Maria's voice was a bit croaky. 

“Steve,” Natasha's voice wavered when she said his name. 

Maria leaned back in for another kiss. This time slightly longer. She tried to pour her emotions into it. How much she had missed Natasha, how happy she was that she was back, how sorry she was that something had happened to Steve. Eventually, they broke apart both panting for breath. Both women were smiling as they caught their breaths. 

Maria immediately pulled Natasha back in but this time for a hug. She buried her face into her shoulder, tears dampening Natasha’s suit. Maria could feel her shoulder getting damp as well. They both clung to each other, scared to let go. 

“I didn’t think you’d come back this time.” Maria sobbed. Maria was almost certain Natasha didn’t think she would either. 

“I’ll always come back home, always.” Natasha's voice was a muffled. 

Maria smiled into Natasha's shoulder. Home wasn’t a place for them it was a feeling. A sense of belonging that they only felt with each other. Natasha might have been the one to physically come back but she’d brought Maria home too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got some ideas for other fics, one includes Natasha being the one to snap instead of Tony cause why not. So let me know if you want anything, you can find me on Tumblr @idontgiveamcfuck I hope you enjoyed the chapter. A slightly happier ending to the last two xxx

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know whether to write a follow-up chapter where Maria finds out how she died as if we need more angst after what the movie put us through. Anyway please leave a comment if you'd like a follow-up chapter. Hope you enjoyed xxx


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